Tuesday, 4 January 2011


She's so proud of being four and so angry when her friend teases her for only being three - especially now it isn't true.

Fancy being proud of getting older, yearning for it, glorifying in being a big girl. Why am I depressed to think about getting older? When did I stop being proud of another year? I remember not wanting to be nine and stopping eating because I didn't want to be a teenager. I was probably much younger than many others in that way. In Japan they revere the old, or is that just a myth? And does that stop the old being depressed about getting older?

Is innocence the lack of fear of death? When do children realise they will die one day? X knows the word 'kill' but I don't know if she really knows what it means. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't. No wonder getting older seems like getting better. It's only after a million skincare ads have told you how fabulous it is to wind back time that
you get the idea that backwards is better.

She went to see her half sister yesterday. She fell twice and hurt a different knee each time, racing to catch her up. Her older sister can read. Her older sister is taller and more confident and can climb higher. Her older sister does not spill her hot chocolate. Her older half sister is a whole year and a half older. Why wouldn't a little girl want to be a big girl and do big things?

Why shouldn't I still want to get a year older and do more things? There are surely plenty of people older than me doing great aspirational things, surely? Beyond Elton and David, that is....

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